You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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