mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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