My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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