I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize