In the future we'll all be gay
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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