just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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