Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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