just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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