I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
