its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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