i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
