I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
