UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
