We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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