You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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