I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
