Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize