I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
