I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize