Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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