I hate your face
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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