Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
