dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
