i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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