Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
