He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
