I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Bring me that man meat
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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