I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
