I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
