Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
