My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Sober January is a disaster.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
