could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
