Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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