My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
