you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
nutella sex= disaster
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
