dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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