Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
