So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
