Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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