Who wears a wallet chain?!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
