how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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