meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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