I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
