Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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