I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
