I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
