turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
