It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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