Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
