I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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