my phone needs a breathalizer
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
