I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
