I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
