i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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