Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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