can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
