I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
