I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
