he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
