My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
