two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i out mim tonsoeep
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