The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
