Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
