u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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