Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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