so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
