FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
